what if i die?

in the lowest moments in life, any soul will ask 'what if i die?' 

what if the world wouldn't have to encounter with my lack of happiness?

what if i'm one less trouble to people?

i have cried so many times in bathrooms, and yet once i decide to go out, i made sure that not even one single human being on this earth knows. i made sure to show the picture i want to people, maybe someday the picture i show will become truly me. this fake smile stuck on my mouth, repeating the words 'I'm fine, It's okay, Don't worry' again and again and again...but well...i'm not.

i keep blaming my anxiety,and yet sometimes when i'm alone, i know that i'm the only one to blame.

i prefer being alone, it is the only moment where i know i fit in.  

i run away from being unhappy but it keeps finding its way back to me. 

What if i die? 

will you remember the words you slaughtered me with? 

will you remember the fake rumors? 

will you remember how many times u made me cry?

will you remember how many times you left alone in the dark cold streets?

i cannot find answers now, but what i know for sure is that i'm not going to give you the pleasure. 

i swipe my tears, i get up on my feet again, i smile to your face(even if i'm hating myself deep inside), and turn my back to you. 

I'm not happy, but till i find happiness in my life, I'll keep on being just Fine